Long overdue, a mix of random thoughts....

I haven't written in a long time, and it is not due to lack of feelings, thought, or things to say, but I haven't had the motivation to put all those thoughts and feelings into words. Today, I was overwhelmed with such a HUGE sense of thankfulness. Looking back at the last 6 months, I am just beyond amazed how I have been blessed, how God has just had me sitting in the palm of His hand. I look back and think how did that even happen? ....There's no way. Folks, if you have ever questioned if there is a God, I'm telling you there is. There is no way I would be at the place I'm at or be blessed with the things in my life if there wasn't, it's just not possible.

I feel like a freshman all over again, starting a new school, living on campus, having to meet new friends. I am scared out of my mind. Not working, that scares me, too. Everything about my life is uncomfortable to me right now. I wouldn't change a thing though. In the midst of this whirlwind of change, I feel so at peace. Maybe because I have finally realized I'm not in control, or maybe it's because I'm so afraid that it draws me more near Him, I seek His protection. Whatever the case may be, I am so thankful for this uncomfortable feeling. A lot of times we are afraid of change, and I think it's because we can't control it, we don't know how it's going to turn out. If we really lived in the center of His will we wouldn't need to know how it's going to turn out or even control it, therefore change wouldn't be so bad. I am embracing these changes and SO thankful that I don't have to worry about what is next. I am so thankful for the feelings of fear and confusion so that I may always seek His protection and guidance. I am so thankful that He is there....everyday.

Good Friday

Tonight, at church, we had our Tenebrae Service.  Simple, yet powerful. Later, that night I watched the Passion of the Christ. They were both such great reminders of the significance of today. I am embarrassed to say this but that was the first time the entire day I had actually thought about exactly what Jesus did for ME. The pain, the suffering, the beating, the ridicule... all for me. I feel so unworthy. When I think about God sending His only son, to die for me and my sins, I get so overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed with sadness. I cried, a lot, thinking about it.  In quiet times, I was reminded to not be sad. Jesus, His son, died so that we can have salvation and victory through Him. I was then overwhelmed with joy realizing I have a SAVIOR! and not only do I have Savior, but I can do ALL things through HIM!

With the events that took place in the last couple weeks, now more than ever, I have a heart over flowing with thanks. It's a list impossible to write.

Thank You, Jesus, for the many blessings you have bestowed upon me, and most of all, thank you for enduring the pain so that our sins may be forgiven, and any and all battles I may face in Your name are considered triumphs.

Learning and Leaning.

So, this week has been full of just unexpected... chaos.. I guess you could say. I came out to Colorado last week for the sole purpose of meeting some doctors. I told myself I wouldn't have expectations, but, of course, deep down I did. I'm happy and relived to say that the doctors out here met and exceeded my expectations. For once, I feel like I'm not fighting alone for myself, and I have hope that obstacles can be overcome, and more importantly WILL. Even though I had such a great meeting with the specialists, there were some change of plans. These "change of plans" have been such a blessing, though. Through this hard time I'm realizing a few things. One: no matter how far away from family and friends you are, you are not alone. It's so crazy that I've never felt more loved and closer to my friends and family then I have being here and I'm 500+ miles away. More importantly, though, I've learned that God equips us with the exact and perfect resources and tools we need to help ourselves. Essentially, we are not really helping ourselves, but through Him we are. I don't think I've given myself more pep talks in my life than I have here. I feel as if every other 20 minutes I have to talk myself through something, that it will be okay, that I have the strength. I know I hear my voice, but it's not really me talking. That's the cool thing. I'm so in awe of just how great His power is. I mean, I knew that. I knew "He's always with me". That's the thing to say, right? Everyone knows that. I guess before now I just sort of said it, never truly experienced it this way. I think that this whole experience is more than helping heal my physical self. I think there was a bigger plan. I am learning, and leaning more and more every day. I have this sense that I'm supposed to learn something huge. I haven't figured it out yet, or "learned" it yet, but I feel it coming.  


More to come. Stay tuned.

Emotional and Devotional

Friday morning's are my favorite part of the week for two reasons. One- I get to see the faces of some sweet, loving kids. I get to be blessed deeply by the unconditional love they have to give. They don't know who I am, or what I've done, or why I'm even there, but all they know is they have love to give. One in particular runs up and hugs me. For a moment, I think, wow, how great it is I get to bless her with this ministry we're providing, but no, oh no. SHE is the one who blesses ME. I feel as though she is a reminder, or a representation of God's love for us. God loves me no matter what I'm doing, where I am, what I've done. Just like this little girl. She runs up to me every time I see her with open arms and a smile. She doesn't know the difference. God loves me enough to send this little girl to remind me of this.

Friday mornings for me are many things. Since I have been going through this bible study by Beth Moore, friday mornings have become my vacation away from reality. It's my recharge time. It's something that, if I miss this part of my week, I feel disconnected. It's hard to explain. Nonetheless, this friday morning was no different. I felt so on fire, and overflowed with the Holy Spirit when I left. We talked about God's love. How our love for Him should be emotional and devotional. Any other time this wouldn't have stuck out to me, but they actually, in a weird way, answered something for me.

Let's go back a few weeks. A couple Sundays ago I left service at Spring Hill. I got in my car, turned on Chris Tomlin. I turned on to the highway, and started to cry. Okay, not cry, I bawled. Let's be honest here, I was afraid for my life because I could not see the road with all the tears. I could not help it, my heart was overflowing with joy, with happiness, with love. I had no control over what was happening.

I think this is what Beth meant by emotional. I was overwhelmed by the emotion caused from the love I have for Jesus Christ. I've heard that it's impossible to feel His love, or have that "in-love" feeling with God. That it's more of a "devotional" love. Well, believe, you, me. IT IS POSSIBLE. I have never felt more in love with anyone or anything else. Not even another human being. I felt the emotions that we as humans feel when we are in love. And they were so much greater. If that isn't proof enough that my existence on this Earth is FIRST and FOREMOST to glorify and love Him, I don't know what is.

Our love should be emotional and devotional. I was confused about why I couldn't hold it together whenever I thought about Him. But now I know, it's okay. I should be confused if I didn't feel that way.

God in a box...

I definitely felt the presence of God with me all throughout this week. I actually was brought to tears when just today I was reminded from a devotional that "I am with you always. I am constantly looking over you shoulder." It was such a great reminder that He is ALWAYS with me. I am excited to think about that not only is He with me, but each day molding and forming my heart and mind to reflect Him. He sees where I need improvement, and help and acts quick to teach me a lesson or two. I could hear Him whisper, "Shelley, don't try so hard, take your hands off the wheel and listen to what I'm going to tell you, watch closely to what I'm going to show you, I want to equip you." Man, did God show off yet again this week.

I had the opportunity to attend the Kansan's for Life banquet. The keynote speaker was Michael Clancy. He was the photographer that snapped the picture of an unborn child reaching out of the womb during a surgery and grabbed the surgeons finger. Long story short, this controversial picture led Clancy to lose all credibility as a journalist. He gained much more than he had "lost".  Three months prior to taking this photo   Clancy gave his life to Christ, asking Him to "use him as he saw fit". Wow. Clancy went from a publication with 23,000 viewers to being recognized worldwide. People on the other side of the world know his name, and his work, and more importantly, God used Clancy as He saw fit; He used him to shed light on the battle of life for unborn children. The mere fact that Clancy was in the room, at that exact moment, took the picture as clear as it was, was only a working by Divine Power. This event would seem impossible to anyone, yet, was made possible. At one point during his speech, I heard that little whisper. "And you think your situation is impossible? Look at what I did! Rest in knowing I will do whatever I want, Nothing is impossible." I serve an amazing God. 

The next day on the radio, a woman called in. Her and the ladies of her church had a seemingly impossible request for God. I giggled to myself, and thought, this is going to be good, I wonder how He showed off again. These women prayed for a fellow sister's last dying wish to be granted. Not only did God grant the wish, He did it in an even bigger way then they could even imagine. 

Don't we all do that. We have a set plan, a particular way we want our prayers answered. We think we know the perfect way things should, need, have to be. Problem is, at least for me, I have a very limited view. I think inside the box. Inside the rules, and limits of the world, society. God is not in a box! He can see far more than I could even comprehend. Good thing He is right there over my shoulder reminding me He can and will do the impossible. Reminding me that He will answer my prayers and the result will be an "out-of-box" one. One that I nor anyone else could ever think up. 

Not sure if any of that makes sense, but I wanted to share some thoughts from the moment.. maybe I need to update more so I can put together something that flows better. This is a work in progress :)

In Love. 

Gifts and Lessons from The Teacher

As I sit in awe of the amount of snow this blizzard has blown in I am reminded of God's presence. It is easy to hate the snow... it's cold and wet and just plain inconvenient... but it's also another gift from God. It's so beautiful and pure-looking. Only a God of immeasurable power and strength could create such a thing.

Speaking of immeasurable power and strength, that is exactly what I'm going to need to overcome these battles I'm facing. Lately, I've been forced to come face to face with things and people that I thought had no power over me. Anger. Fear. Hurt. These aren't words that I would associate myself with, yet these feelings are very real to me right now. I don't want to deal with these "problems", I'd rather keep them shoved down, far down in my memory and never have them show their ugly faces to me again. I think God has a different plan. I think there is going to be a lesson, and I'm very thankful for that. I don't want to remain in this bondage, but I'm struggling with God about how to break free. I don't want the people that hurt me, or I'm angry with to teach me a lesson, but I'm afraid that is what is happening...

I am heavy with prayer today. Praying for immeasurable power and strength to rid me of this anger, fear, and hurt for good. Praying for the eyes to see opportunity from these "teachers", and courage to step out of the boat, walk on the water and accept the lesson. And as always I pray that I will continue to let Him direct me and renew the spirit within me each day.

In love.

It's nice to meet you Peter...

Trust. by definition is a noun: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.  God reminded me of this today and it was definitely something I needed to be reminded of.

A couple months ago at the Women of Faith Conference the question was asked: "Who from the bible would you like to meet?" Of course, my first answer was "  Jesus. Helloooo.... really? Next question." But then I really thought about it and the story of Peter stepping out of the boat walking on the water came to my mind. WOW! Can you imagine for a second putting all your worries in the hands of Jesus and trusting Him unconditionally?  I would love to meet Peter and ask "What was that like?"

I realized though, I don't have to meet Peter to find out. Since then, I have made a decision to trust the Lord completely. I can put the worry of school, my health, and everything else in His hands (Surely, his hands are big enough to carry my burdens :)  ) and experience trust in that way. Ok, easier said than done, but I'm working on it.

The One who created the Earth, the GALAXY, every mountain, and every being is in charge of my worries. The One who remains faithful time and time again has to deal with my problems. Hmm.. I think everything will work out fine. It almost seems silly, comical, hilarious, absurd that I didn't trust Him in the first place.

I am human, and I know there might be a time when I begin to sink and cry out "Lord, help me!" but I am so thankful that the Lord is paitient and before I can even finish my plea for help He will have swooped me up and placed me back on firm ground. Or maybe... back on the water.